v.d. and crazy cat lady

So now it's just me and my 3 cats living at my house.  Demon is all moved out, still a few things lingering.  Tonight he's coming by to split up the movies and spices.  Never thought it would come to this...then again, that's exactly what I had been wanting, right?  I think I am happier now in some ways.  Although at night I still feel lonely sometimes, in general my kitties are good enough company. Clubbie likes to sleep on my head. 

And then of course Christo helps a lot.  He is great.  He is sweet and funny and very silly.  He's real.  And we had the most amazing simultaneous orgasm last night.  I'm pretty sure that's the only time I've had that happen, when me and my partner both totally peak at the same time.  Pretty fricking amazing.  We were unsafe though...I doubt I could get preggers though...but then again who knows...it would be the most miraculous beautiful thing ever to have a child.

Here's a picture of my cats: 

And a promise that I will never ever ever be a crazy cat hoarder, I don't want to mess with Taxoplasma gondii: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/03/how-your-cat-is-making-you-crazy/8873/2/?single_page=true#.TzSqFWZwkR4.facebook

time heals all wounds

Unless you constantly rub salt on them, but actually, salt is good for wounds!  Salt heals! Salt keeps it clean and free of infection! So yay for us rubbing salt in our wounds.

Demon is in his hometown for the week.  I'm so glad he's there, far away.  Being close by we're just constantly throwing darts at each other.  How crazy to think that something so pure and beautiful ended like this.   But nothing lasts forever. 

The new year is off to a good start.  I'm basking in the rays of my new sun. 

kind of sucks

Ugh.  So it's over over.  Friday morning at therapy Demon asked me to say the words "our marriage is over" if that's how I felt.  And I did, so I said them.  I think I'm ok with my decision....but it's not easy.  All of this un-doing of how tangled our lives are sucks.  He split our bank accounts today.  I guess that's good.  I think even if we were to get back together I would want to keep separate accounts.  Sucks.  This sucks.  He said he was going to go look at a place to move into this afternoon.  He's staying at FocaLoca's house for a bit but not long.  I don't think he really wants to hang with FocaLoca much anyway...after all that went down. 

Oh man, I just ate Carb Sing...I think my sugar levels just sky rocketed. 

Ugh...sucks I'm all alone.  No one to take care of me.  And all because I don't like the way he smells and how he kisses.  That's so sad.  I'm so stupid and shallow and fickle and ugh.  No, stop it, don't beat yourself up, girl.  You're radiant and beautiful and the two of you shared amazing magical moments...but nothing lasts forever...and you're crazy.

Oh yay, I'm talking to myself now!

Ugh...tired.  Want to go to sleep.  Last night of staying in the city in that crappy ass uncomfortable bed.  Tomorrow night I'm at Christo's, and then back to my home... I wonder if my lovely mother is going to take it away... I hope not....

Scenarios

I stay with Demon:  Today :: I take train back to East Bay to pick up my car, or have him and Amy come get me so I can get my stuff out of 1912.  Go home and pack for Saline.  Tomorrow morning have a good therapy session and then take off for Saline.  Long drive, get to Saline in evening around 7 or 8 I'm guessing, set up in the dark and cold, soak late into the night.  Enjoy Saturday at the pools, meditate, do yoga maybe, do a tiny hike, eat camping food, soak, soak, soak, open presents since it's fricking Chistmas.  Sunday leave around noon, get home around 10 at night, maybe go to Death Guild but probably not since we'll be really tired of the drive.  Monday have the day off, go hike somewhere, try to put the pieces of our hearts back together, have a ritual of some sort...and really fucking mean it (from my end) this time... Future ::  Stay at our home, try to have a baby?   Work hard through our issues. Try to make myself fall in love with him again.  Try to get over the fact that I don't enjoy our sex life...  Try to get over his whinny nature, his clingy nature, his obsessiveness, his control issues, his needy-ness for my time and energy.

I leave Demon: Today :: I leave work in a bit, go home to the Mission.  Go get a drink with Aaron later.  Cry myself to sleep.  Cry cry cry.  Tomorrow...go to therapy, have a terribly painful session in which we part ways.  After therapy hang out around for a bit until I consider they have left the bay, go home (to my real house)...paint, play on the computer, sew that Damnation shirt into a cuter silhouette, go rent some movies, sleep a lot over the next two days.  Spend Christmas Eve alone, spend Christmas day alone... Go to Death Guild Sunday night with Christo, dance the night away with the freaks.  The rest of the week, exploit the rest of my time in the Mission, probably hang out with Christo during Wednesday and eat at that Indian restaurant he keeps talking about.  The future :: Parents get super pissed off and tell me I'm a whore and that they're taking away the house.  They probably take me off their will too.  Maybe my dad's kind of understanding, but my mom flips out and says I'm causing her stress and her eyes get worse (or just says it).  Life is hard for a bit on my own, I go through a lot of pain.  But Christo and I probably continue to see each other for a while, maybe a long while, maybe forever.  We never marry each other, but maybe have a child.  Or I lose him too and someone else comes along... I realize that I will never find anyone that loves me as much as Demon...but maybe it's ok to not be loved so much... 

Carpe Diem

So today is the day.  The day I tell Christo that I can't see him for a while or ever really because I'm going to focus my energy on Demon again.  I don't know if it's what I really want.  I don't know what my heart wants any more.  My heart wants too much, and that's the problem.  I just can't say no to either of them.  Or anyone.  I can't not love people, anyone that comes my way, well, any hot man that comes my way.  I just want to love them and fuck them and show them all kinds of yummy goodness.  Sigh.  I would make a good prostitute.  Heh...

Anyway...as I was saying... I need to tell Christo good bye for a while.  I don't want to!  I really like him.  He's so fun!  And silly and makes me laugh.  And cute.  And more than all that put together....he smells really really good.  And he fucks really good too.  I'll get laid one last time tonight at least.  Gahhh!  I don't want to say bye to him.  But saying bye to Demon is proving pretty darn hard too...he's just so fucking into me...gah!  Why can't I just make up my mind and roll with it.  Fucking fuck fuck.  I hate this fucking decision...

Sigh...

So now it seems Demon and I are back together.  Four days of being "broken up" and he just about lost it.  I kind of lost it too, but mostly because I was so worried about him.  Does that mean that I still need to be with him, the fact that I care so much about him.  He says he still can't trust me, rightfully so.  I haven't been honest for a while, and he knows it.  I think even now as we're trying to make things work, he doubts my sincerity.  And maybe I do too.  I mean...shit...I still haven't really let go of Christo.  I can't, the sex is too good.   Is that what it comes down to? Good sex?? Is that what life is really about?  All I know is that I don't want to live the rest of my life with mediocre sex.  And yet, I don't want to change my life all around.  I love our home, our critters, our friends, our family...all the things we've built together.  I don't want it to change.  I don't know.  Tonight I'm going home, to our "real" home, with him.  I'm going to give it my all to feel super passionate about him, to give my body to him.  I hope it works.  But I'm so afraid it won't.  I can't just erase my Christo away.  He's had such an impact. 

And then there's the fact that I don't want to have the reason I leave Demon be Christo.  For many reasons.  One of the biggest is that well, I didn't want people to know that I was unfaithful to Demon.  But now that doesn't matter because everyone knows (except my parents, and that's kind of a big one)...  Another reason is that I don't want that energy to come into a new relationship, these negative deceptive ways.  I wish I had just had a clean finish and a clean start.  But I can't do anything about it now...I'm in the thick of it...

Fuck life

Well it finally happened.  Demon finally let me go.  He wrote the most beautiful letter anyone has ever written me in which he explained that he is magical and amazing and can no longer lose his self respect over trying to stay with me, because I don't want to be with him any more.  He gave me his ring back and said I could toss it over the Golden Gate into the ocean, so that love can always live in the sea. 

Today is the saddest day of my life, and yet I almost feel nothing.  My eyes hurt though.  I'm wearing his ring on my thumb.   Ok, I take it back, I do feel a lot, I feel a lot of pain and regret.  Did I just shoot myself in the foot, is this the biggest mistake of my life. 

I want our beautiful life back...but was it really all that beautiful.  The pictures seem to think so.  But how was I feeling when I was there.  Half the time I was frustrated and wanted to be on a tropical island sipping cocktails out of coconuts.  Is that happiness??  Will I do that and then be happy? 

Was I ever really in love with him?

I miss him so much already.