kind of sucks

Ugh.  So it's over over.  Friday morning at therapy Demon asked me to say the words "our marriage is over" if that's how I felt.  And I did, so I said them.  I think I'm ok with my decision....but it's not easy.  All of this un-doing of how tangled our lives are sucks.  He split our bank accounts today.  I guess that's good.  I think even if we were to get back together I would want to keep separate accounts.  Sucks.  This sucks.  He said he was going to go look at a place to move into this afternoon.  He's staying at FocaLoca's house for a bit but not long.  I don't think he really wants to hang with FocaLoca much anyway...after all that went down. 

Oh man, I just ate Carb Sing...I think my sugar levels just sky rocketed. 

Ugh...sucks I'm all alone.  No one to take care of me.  And all because I don't like the way he smells and how he kisses.  That's so sad.  I'm so stupid and shallow and fickle and ugh.  No, stop it, don't beat yourself up, girl.  You're radiant and beautiful and the two of you shared amazing magical moments...but nothing lasts forever...and you're crazy.

Oh yay, I'm talking to myself now!

Ugh...tired.  Want to go to sleep.  Last night of staying in the city in that crappy ass uncomfortable bed.  Tomorrow night I'm at Christo's, and then back to my home... I wonder if my lovely mother is going to take it away... I hope not....

Scenarios

I stay with Demon:  Today :: I take train back to East Bay to pick up my car, or have him and Amy come get me so I can get my stuff out of 1912.  Go home and pack for Saline.  Tomorrow morning have a good therapy session and then take off for Saline.  Long drive, get to Saline in evening around 7 or 8 I'm guessing, set up in the dark and cold, soak late into the night.  Enjoy Saturday at the pools, meditate, do yoga maybe, do a tiny hike, eat camping food, soak, soak, soak, open presents since it's fricking Chistmas.  Sunday leave around noon, get home around 10 at night, maybe go to Death Guild but probably not since we'll be really tired of the drive.  Monday have the day off, go hike somewhere, try to put the pieces of our hearts back together, have a ritual of some sort...and really fucking mean it (from my end) this time... Future ::  Stay at our home, try to have a baby?   Work hard through our issues. Try to make myself fall in love with him again.  Try to get over the fact that I don't enjoy our sex life...  Try to get over his whinny nature, his clingy nature, his obsessiveness, his control issues, his needy-ness for my time and energy.

I leave Demon: Today :: I leave work in a bit, go home to the Mission.  Go get a drink with Aaron later.  Cry myself to sleep.  Cry cry cry.  Tomorrow...go to therapy, have a terribly painful session in which we part ways.  After therapy hang out around for a bit until I consider they have left the bay, go home (to my real house)...paint, play on the computer, sew that Damnation shirt into a cuter silhouette, go rent some movies, sleep a lot over the next two days.  Spend Christmas Eve alone, spend Christmas day alone... Go to Death Guild Sunday night with Christo, dance the night away with the freaks.  The rest of the week, exploit the rest of my time in the Mission, probably hang out with Christo during Wednesday and eat at that Indian restaurant he keeps talking about.  The future :: Parents get super pissed off and tell me I'm a whore and that they're taking away the house.  They probably take me off their will too.  Maybe my dad's kind of understanding, but my mom flips out and says I'm causing her stress and her eyes get worse (or just says it).  Life is hard for a bit on my own, I go through a lot of pain.  But Christo and I probably continue to see each other for a while, maybe a long while, maybe forever.  We never marry each other, but maybe have a child.  Or I lose him too and someone else comes along... I realize that I will never find anyone that loves me as much as Demon...but maybe it's ok to not be loved so much... 

Carpe Diem

So today is the day.  The day I tell Christo that I can't see him for a while or ever really because I'm going to focus my energy on Demon again.  I don't know if it's what I really want.  I don't know what my heart wants any more.  My heart wants too much, and that's the problem.  I just can't say no to either of them.  Or anyone.  I can't not love people, anyone that comes my way, well, any hot man that comes my way.  I just want to love them and fuck them and show them all kinds of yummy goodness.  Sigh.  I would make a good prostitute.  Heh...

Anyway...as I was saying... I need to tell Christo good bye for a while.  I don't want to!  I really like him.  He's so fun!  And silly and makes me laugh.  And cute.  And more than all that put together....he smells really really good.  And he fucks really good too.  I'll get laid one last time tonight at least.  Gahhh!  I don't want to say bye to him.  But saying bye to Demon is proving pretty darn hard too...he's just so fucking into me...gah!  Why can't I just make up my mind and roll with it.  Fucking fuck fuck.  I hate this fucking decision...

Sigh...

So now it seems Demon and I are back together.  Four days of being "broken up" and he just about lost it.  I kind of lost it too, but mostly because I was so worried about him.  Does that mean that I still need to be with him, the fact that I care so much about him.  He says he still can't trust me, rightfully so.  I haven't been honest for a while, and he knows it.  I think even now as we're trying to make things work, he doubts my sincerity.  And maybe I do too.  I mean...shit...I still haven't really let go of Christo.  I can't, the sex is too good.   Is that what it comes down to? Good sex?? Is that what life is really about?  All I know is that I don't want to live the rest of my life with mediocre sex.  And yet, I don't want to change my life all around.  I love our home, our critters, our friends, our family...all the things we've built together.  I don't want it to change.  I don't know.  Tonight I'm going home, to our "real" home, with him.  I'm going to give it my all to feel super passionate about him, to give my body to him.  I hope it works.  But I'm so afraid it won't.  I can't just erase my Christo away.  He's had such an impact. 

And then there's the fact that I don't want to have the reason I leave Demon be Christo.  For many reasons.  One of the biggest is that well, I didn't want people to know that I was unfaithful to Demon.  But now that doesn't matter because everyone knows (except my parents, and that's kind of a big one)...  Another reason is that I don't want that energy to come into a new relationship, these negative deceptive ways.  I wish I had just had a clean finish and a clean start.  But I can't do anything about it now...I'm in the thick of it...

Fuck life

Well it finally happened.  Demon finally let me go.  He wrote the most beautiful letter anyone has ever written me in which he explained that he is magical and amazing and can no longer lose his self respect over trying to stay with me, because I don't want to be with him any more.  He gave me his ring back and said I could toss it over the Golden Gate into the ocean, so that love can always live in the sea. 

Today is the saddest day of my life, and yet I almost feel nothing.  My eyes hurt though.  I'm wearing his ring on my thumb.   Ok, I take it back, I do feel a lot, I feel a lot of pain and regret.  Did I just shoot myself in the foot, is this the biggest mistake of my life. 

I want our beautiful life back...but was it really all that beautiful.  The pictures seem to think so.  But how was I feeling when I was there.  Half the time I was frustrated and wanted to be on a tropical island sipping cocktails out of coconuts.  Is that happiness??  Will I do that and then be happy? 

Was I ever really in love with him?

I miss him so much already. 

God, now what?!

So Friday at therapy all the truth came out.  I told my Demon that I had been seeing ChristChild, and that I had indeed had sex with him.  Of course he freaked out and cried and I thought that was the end of our relationship.  Later that day (I came home early from work because we had our holiday brunch) we got together again and ended up basically just drinking all afternoon.  It was hard being in his presence because I feel like a different person, I'm no longer the sweet innocent gentle all loving wife he once had.  I'm now the rebelious slutty crazy woman that he's married to.   Anyway, we spent Friday night together, I think we had sex, oh wait, no we didn't.  He went off on me and lectured me and then we kissed for a long time.  Which I didn't really enjoy.  He's not a very good kisser :(  Kind of too soft and squishy and wet.  Like kissing a mollusk.  Anyway, we finally went to sleep after he lectured me, and then next morning we did have sex.  I don't remember much about it, or I blocked it out.  So sad, so so sad how someone can be so incredibly in love with me, and I don't really feel the same. What's wrong with me? 

Anyway, Saturday morning (he had to work, but came home for breakfast) he asked me if I would be home when he got home from work.  I didn't tell him, but I had plans with ChristChild that night and therefore wouldn't and didn't want to be home.  I told him I wouldn't come home later that day.  When he was home for breakfast he said he forgave me of everything.  All the less than honest way I went about this. 

Saturday night was really fun with ChristChild.  We went to dinner and ate Thai, then went to the Medicine Ball, at the MAPS symposium thingy.  So extremely fun.  We ate a whole bunch of candy, I guess that helped.  Danced our asses off to MiHKAL and some other DJ's.  So fun! Looked at all kinds of trippy art and enjoyed looking at each other and dancing with each other.  When the music stopped it seemed like the night had barely begun.  We took a cab to his house and enjoyed each other's company late into the night and morning.  Didn't get much sleep.  Woke up around 11 the next day, went to an awesome breakfast place around the corner of his place, went on a little hike to try to find Chanterelles... then he took me home. 

Later that afternoon I hung out with my littleFoca.  He makes me laugh a lot!

Another day...

...another dollar.  Ughs... Drank way too much last night, feeling yucks today.  Better now than this morning...so bad.  I fucking hate that I do this to myself.  I need to quit drinking I think... how long have I been saying that?! Shit...or at least not drink during the week (at all!)...fucking a!

I had a weekend of much love.  Too much love I guess.  I don't know.  This poly thing is kind of crazy.  I don't think I'm really as polyamorous as I'd like to think.  Then again, I do have the ability to love (really love) several people at the same time.  But is it really love? Or just lust?

I wish I could go to Barcelona or something for a week.  Why Barcelona, I really don't know, maybe because I like to pronounce it all Spain-Spanish like.  Barrthelonah!!  Ha!  Maybe because I want to get some hot Spanish dick.  God, I'm so fucked up.  All I think about is sex.  I think I'm worse than a guy.

Don't know

I seriously don't know what I want.  Or maybe I do but I'm afraid that it's the wrong thing.  I really truly do love my Demon, but I don't like how attached he is to me.  I don't like how clingy he is.  That and I don't think I'm proud of him, at least not right now.  Although I have to say, he's been doing things to improve himself lately, and that is impressive.  If he really does end up being really involved with the MotherLoad Organization it will be pretty awesome.  Should I wait for that to happen.  Is that even what I really need in a partner??  Or do I want someone totally different?

Then there's the ChristChild, so happy and smiley and fun.  But is he really just a newer shinnier version of Demon? He's pretty similar in many ways.  Yet he's so unlike anyone I've ever been with.  Preppy.  Hilarious.  I do love his smell and his kisses more than anything right now.  But how long will that last? How long will I long for his touch.  How long until I tire of it and want him away. I'd like to think my Major Histocompatability Complex knows best...

But above all, here's my dilema: Am I afraid of closeness and why?  Is it really all having to do with my Mother issues?  I never thought of Mother as truly evil.  I mean, I always thought of her as the stern one, but never really cruel.  But the more I analyze my life and my interactions with her, and the more I talk to other people and my therapist about it, the more I do realize that our relationship is not a normal one.  Not a good one.  Sigh. And are her issues stemmed from her problems with her mother?  And was her mother cold and mean to her like she says? Was her mother like that because she had mother issues as well?? How long have our Mitochondria been sad? Is that why I can't be a mother? Is that why my ovaries developed PCOS? 

I miss my ChristChild, I wish he was back in town so I could fuck his brains out.

And then there's the OceanSky, with those pretty blue eyes.  I enjoy his company so much in so many ways, all the history we share and the moments of firsts that he was part of.  I just hope he doesn't get too attached as well.  That and I need to be strong and resist the physical nature we get when we're around each other. 

I miss my ChristChild.  I think I'm developing feelings for him.