Don't know

I seriously don't know what I want.  Or maybe I do but I'm afraid that it's the wrong thing.  I really truly do love my Demon, but I don't like how attached he is to me.  I don't like how clingy he is.  That and I don't think I'm proud of him, at least not right now.  Although I have to say, he's been doing things to improve himself lately, and that is impressive.  If he really does end up being really involved with the MotherLoad Organization it will be pretty awesome.  Should I wait for that to happen.  Is that even what I really need in a partner??  Or do I want someone totally different?

Then there's the ChristChild, so happy and smiley and fun.  But is he really just a newer shinnier version of Demon? He's pretty similar in many ways.  Yet he's so unlike anyone I've ever been with.  Preppy.  Hilarious.  I do love his smell and his kisses more than anything right now.  But how long will that last? How long will I long for his touch.  How long until I tire of it and want him away. I'd like to think my Major Histocompatability Complex knows best...

But above all, here's my dilema: Am I afraid of closeness and why?  Is it really all having to do with my Mother issues?  I never thought of Mother as truly evil.  I mean, I always thought of her as the stern one, but never really cruel.  But the more I analyze my life and my interactions with her, and the more I talk to other people and my therapist about it, the more I do realize that our relationship is not a normal one.  Not a good one.  Sigh. And are her issues stemmed from her problems with her mother?  And was her mother cold and mean to her like she says? Was her mother like that because she had mother issues as well?? How long have our Mitochondria been sad? Is that why I can't be a mother? Is that why my ovaries developed PCOS? 

I miss my ChristChild, I wish he was back in town so I could fuck his brains out.

And then there's the OceanSky, with those pretty blue eyes.  I enjoy his company so much in so many ways, all the history we share and the moments of firsts that he was part of.  I just hope he doesn't get too attached as well.  That and I need to be strong and resist the physical nature we get when we're around each other. 

I miss my ChristChild.  I think I'm developing feelings for him.