Sigh...

So now it seems Demon and I are back together.  Four days of being "broken up" and he just about lost it.  I kind of lost it too, but mostly because I was so worried about him.  Does that mean that I still need to be with him, the fact that I care so much about him.  He says he still can't trust me, rightfully so.  I haven't been honest for a while, and he knows it.  I think even now as we're trying to make things work, he doubts my sincerity.  And maybe I do too.  I mean...shit...I still haven't really let go of Christo.  I can't, the sex is too good.   Is that what it comes down to? Good sex?? Is that what life is really about?  All I know is that I don't want to live the rest of my life with mediocre sex.  And yet, I don't want to change my life all around.  I love our home, our critters, our friends, our family...all the things we've built together.  I don't want it to change.  I don't know.  Tonight I'm going home, to our "real" home, with him.  I'm going to give it my all to feel super passionate about him, to give my body to him.  I hope it works.  But I'm so afraid it won't.  I can't just erase my Christo away.  He's had such an impact. 

And then there's the fact that I don't want to have the reason I leave Demon be Christo.  For many reasons.  One of the biggest is that well, I didn't want people to know that I was unfaithful to Demon.  But now that doesn't matter because everyone knows (except my parents, and that's kind of a big one)...  Another reason is that I don't want that energy to come into a new relationship, these negative deceptive ways.  I wish I had just had a clean finish and a clean start.  But I can't do anything about it now...I'm in the thick of it...